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Happily Single

The new class of confident, educated, urban Indian women is ready to take life in their stride, all on their own, dismissing the need of a ‘man’ to  complete them… defile

“O my God! Mrs. Sharma, your daughter is really pretty! So when do we get to hear her wedding bells ringing?” says Mrs. Choudhury in a wedding.

And the hitherto broad smile on Mrs. Sharma’s face immediately vanishes. Even she has been wondering when her 30-year old daughter would agree to get married. For Pallavi, however, marriage has never been on the cards. Of course her mother’s persistence lands her into a dilemma now and then; but her drive for freedom and her non-agreement with the patriarchal matrimonial system soon overpowers that dilemma. “I have decided to remain single. But I will continue to have lots of male friends,” she giggles.

In fact, not just Pallavi, same goes the story with thousands of independent Indian women today. These women are well educated, independent, and simply brush off the need of a ‘man’ in their lives. Ask them about their future plans, and all of them will tell you about their savings, investments, and the expenses they wish to incur in luxury and all the crazy things they wish to spend in. Today’s women know that in order to lead a life on their own terms, they need money. Gone are the days when money matters were exclusively confined to men. “I am going to work really hard for the next sixteen years. After that I am going to fulfill my dream of opening a library cum coffee shop,” says the 29-year old Jahnvi.

THE UPRISING

Call it a revolution or a new upsurge, even the rural women in India are refusing to be forced down by any unjust forces (Gulabi Gang being an ideal example of it). And one can well understand the kind of empowerment the urban singletons demand. Even the portrayal of women in Bollywood has changed in this context. Be it Konkona Sen shifting to Mumbai from Kolkata in search of independence in Wake up Sid, or Kareena Kapoor giving priority to her ideologies and work over her love-interest in Gori Tere Pyar Mein, or Vidya Balan’s decision to be a single mom in Paa, Bollywood mirrors the new-found confidence and a sense of freedom of the modern Indian women.

When the 27-year old lecturer Farzina started slumping under the constant nagging from her parents and relatives to get married, she decided enough was enough! She applied for a job in another city. And within a month, she shifted to another city, away from all the conventional family pressures. She has now got a house on rent in the new city and has furnished the apartment on her own. Today she is leading a tough but happy life cooking on her own, inviting her new friends over dinner, partying, watching movies, reading books, drinking good wine, and of course making better money from her new job. “I really don’t feel the need to get married right now. I have so many things to do, so many things to see, and so many milestones to achieve. Marriage at this stage can only shatter my dreams,” Farzina says.

THE DIFFICULTIES & THE DILEMMA

In a society where marriage is the licensed foundation for a majority of relationships, the decision to stay single does not come easy for any girl. She is often shot at by logical arguments and explanations hitting her from all quarters, like ‘marry now or else you will find no good suitors later’, ‘marry now or else conceiving a child would become difficult’, and the most annoying one ‘marry now because girls do need someone to protect them.’ It would only take a miracle to escape all these shots missing the target. At least for once, the girl gets into a dilemma whether to go by her family’s reasoning or to follow her own heart. In several cases, girls do succumb to this pressure and get married.

“I am really happy with my life as a maiden. Two years back I broke up with my boyfriend; and it was then that I realized that relationship isn’t my cup of tea. I get bored of guys,” says Ashrafi, a journalist friend of mine. This 28-year old girl loves her exciting job and was recently selected for a short-term defense correspondence course, whereby she got to visit places where civilians aren’t allowed. “It was a dream,” she says. Well yes, why cannot the society accept the fact that a woman’s dream might not just be to get married and bear children? It isn’t a blasphemy if a woman dreams of something beyond the stereotypes.

“My family gets furious when I say that I do not feel the need to get married and have a family. My dreams are different. In case I feel the need of a companion, I am ready for a live-in relationship. But my parents do not understand this,” says a disgruntled Arpita working in an NGO.

MARRIAGE OR COMPANIONSHIP?

One might say that giving wings to women is proving dangerous since they are developing repulsion against marriage and the family system. But have we tried to research the reason behind this repulsion? Why are more and more women losing faith in the family system? In the words of the 38-year old Mrinalini, a school inspector, “I was never averted to marriage. But seeing my own sister suffer so much in her marriage, from where she is neither able to come out nor stay, I have decided it’s better to stay a spinster and dream of that ideal life partner, instead of getting trapped with a completely wrong man.” According to Janashree, a senior editor in a publication house, ‘It is better to stay unmarried rather than repenting for a lifetime for marrying a wrong man. I am not ready to compromise with my expectations. Marriage is not important; being with the right person is.”

One can well make out from the words of Mrinalini and Janashree the kind of metamorphosis that the thought-process of women has undergone regarding the institution of marriage. Marriage, for them, isn’t a necessity. They are ready to live their lives without a husband; but they aren’t ready to sacrifice their aspirations and their freedom by getting into a mismatched marriage.

AM I CRANKY?

There are still many who believe that single women turn cranky and start sulking because of loneliness as they grow old. While one might just start believing this theory to be true, Indira, a 52-year old singleton working for a national television channel lashes back hard at the theory, “Are crankiness and mood-swings only confined to single women? Doesn’t a married woman with a so-called happy family ever feel low, or blurt out frustrated?” Call it a product of our cliché minds, but most often than not, we tend to pinpoint the foibles in a person or concept that isn’t agreeable or hasn’t been fully accepted by the people around. When a 52-year old married woman expresses her disgust over cooking for the entire family day-in and day-out, she receives an understanding sigh from the people around her. But when a 52-year old single woman expresses her exhaustion raising her adopted kids, the most common reactions are, “it was obvious; it had to happen; it is not easy to remain single and raise the kids all alone.” What we tend to forget is that married or unmarried, life has its own share of ups and downs. And the decision to marry or not to marry is entirely the prerogative of an individual instead of the society.

DIVORCE… WHY NOT?

Today, an urban married woman who is living a curdled marriage has the courage and the confidence to come out of it, irrespective of what the browbeaters have to say. She knows that she can earn her own money, lead a life of her own, and raise the kids on her own. When the 35-year old celebrity-manager Sangita found out about her husband cheating on her for another woman, she tried to save her marriage by talking it out with her husband. But once she realized that things weren’t working, she decided to file a divorce. Six months hence, she got the divorce. And today she leads a contended life with her 5-year son in a posh area in one of the metropolitan cities of the country. Of course, this scenario is yet to see a change in rural India where getting into a marriage still means living that marriage till death no matter how bad the circumstances are.

Yes, the grass isn’t always green for single women. With age and everyone else getting busy with their own families, a single woman may have her phase of blues and loneliness. Even in cases of adoption, she faces an extra official hassle, in addition to the constantly scanning, suspicious eyes of the society. But when a woman decides to remain single for a lifetime, she is also smart enough to chalk out how she intends to fill up the void or emptiness in her life as she grows old.

By Satarupa  Mishra