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Beyond The LINE

Love…sin…expectations…monotony…ego…simply perturbed mind…?

Yes..any of these could be a factor of straying out of a “Oh so perfect!” relationship. Well, some recent encounters and observations and my inquisitive mind led me to think and hence pen down the ‘big bad thing’ of marital life, the Extramarital Affair.

Irrespective of what my age is, I have entered the real world only some time ago. And hailing from a typical middle class background, like every other occupant here, I was also instilled in with morality, values etc. in extra dosage. Therefore I was abstained from any kind conversations and discussions of the elders even till few days back. But now that I have already ventured into the world of the elders (though at times I doubt if I’m still a kid!!) I have started to make sense of many things around me that have been happening recently as well as those that took place earlier. It is like when I think over I realize that “Alright, the elders actually meant this by that line or word and like a fool I thought it to be something else.” So back to what I was discussing, extra marital affair! The first thought about writing on this came to my mind when one of my very close acquaintances was writing a short story on this subject. This lady Mrs. Neepa Gogoi Kalita is a housewife, a mother of three, a dancer and a writer. She is a lady of very flexible character. She can be friends with anyone from any age group and that is how we share a very close relationship. To me she is a friend, philosopher and guide. Recently she has been working on a short story with extramarital being the theme and casually we discussed about the story and I felt like taking up the subject for my next article. Now I being a single woman really wanted to know the mentality of married people (specially the ladies) towards those from their respective opposite sex. And leaving behind all inhibitions I actually spoke out my thoughts. And there on I got to know many people and many things about life of which I would have been otherwise ignorant all my life may be. Here I have tried to compile some of those experiences and realizations, thoughts and opinions that took place during the process.

On asking about attention from other sex apart from their spouse or fiancé or partner, some really great answers came to me. Ipshita Dutta, married since 5 years with a 3 years old kid and also working in the corporate sector, says, “Friendly flirting is a common thing in the workplace. And if I’m not wrong people enjoy. But of course there is a limit. Personally speaking I don’t mind. On the contrary I would be upset if a male colleague doesn’t notice me (laughs).” Not only Ipshita but 7 out of 10 people (both male and female) I spoke to seek attention quite consciously, while 2 of them unconsciously did so few times and the one left is completely out of all these. Ujjwal Marak says, “I love my wife very much. But most of the times I’m on official tours and when at home she’s busy in household responsibilities and children. Therefore she’s generally left with little time and energy for me. So I do find alternatives outside home.” Ujjwal Marak tied the knot 13 years back. He had a love marriage and he does love his wife as he says so. In Ipshita’s case it is a fun thing to spice up the boring working hours. But in Ujjwal’s case according to him is the failure of the circumstances to meet his requirements.

Some senior people say that these are the things more evident in today’s life and due to today’s lifestyle extramarital sort of things take place. In their words with the present generation there are no emotions left to stop oneself from infidelity. But Mrs. Kalita says that this not the case actually. She says that human beings are by nature polygamous. Whether we talk about yesteryears or the present time human beings always tend to fill the void in their relations through others which they can easily fill up through discussions and clear talks. But there is a tendency to find the missing outside home. But no doubt in today’s time we have an easy access to the world outside marriages and households which was absent in the past. Mrs. Kalita further adds that whether in the past or in the present or future void in relationships are inherent in many cases. People live with it in distress, seek alternatives or simply ignore.

Sonam Sonowal is another person I talked to. She is a housewife married since 5 years. She had a love marriage for which she and her husband had to fight with their respective families. However with time both the families accepted the relationship. Till I spoke to her I used to believe they are the perfect couple. Her husband has a great job, loves her immensely and a very simple and a religious person. And this religious nature of his somehow got into their relationship and unfortunately he doesn’t have an ounce of realization about it. He is so much engrossed into religious activities that he has no time for her. Actually she is a secondary or tertiary or whatever matter to him. Heights were when she told that they perform physical intercourse only during some particular days and times only. Insane indeed!! Well being religious is a great thing but acting ‘Sage’ like is according to me is unfair when the person is in a relationship and not actually a ‘Sage’ involved in some “Tapasya” in the ‘Himalayas’. In that case he shouldn’t have married at all and should have taken “Sannyasa”. So in such an instance she got emotional setbacks and as a result she went out looking for that emotional support, though unconsciously, and found one. Sonam said, “My relation started over phone with this man who was actually a mutual friend and we met on our common friend’s party. Though initially it was just general conversation gradually he became my stress buster and now he is the one dealing with my emotional outbursts.” Even Sonam doesn’t know where their relationship will go but for time being she is living it. I too have no idea what kind of relationship they share but naturally if this news comes in the open all hell will break loose on Sonam and she’ll have to face it all.

Even while browsing through the internet I found this fact that in case of women most of the time the reason is more of emotional need than physical. Whereas in case of men, it’s the opposite. The polygamous nature of the human beings is found more among the men. They are inclined towards the multiple mating system. And this nature is related again to another factor in case of men i.e. ego. Polygamy is nothing but a way of feeding their ego. Therefore comes into existence extramarital affairs in case of men. But when we speak of women, they are very much emotionally vulnerable. No doubt there are ladies who intent on amorous relations just for fun. But those in general cases they long a warm emotional intimacy with their husbands and when they are refrained from that they try to seek it outside their marriages or relations. Even Mrs. Kalita told me the same things during our discussion. But then question arises that are these relationships always remain platonic? Most of the time it’s not. Ultimate destination of platonic love is physical involvement. This may not be intentional but two people participating in a relationship no matter how much platonic it is, their physical presence might give way to physical intercourse in certain circumstances. However there are relationships which are solely platonic in nature but they exist in very rare cases.

It is really hard to say how much wrong or right such involvements are or whether they are at all wrong or right. After many discussions with people at different levels of spirituality and psychology certain revelations and realizations are encountered. From the earlier discussion it is evident that apart from the frivolous minded people some serious kind of instances lead to what is called extramarital affair. What is the outcome of all these? Time and again we have seen that anyways such affairs lead to people with broken heart and hence broken relationships. And catharsis is turned to catastrophe in a way. However some might even go ahead and continue the new relation breaking off the previous one. In these cases what if either of them again is devoid of some other thing in the relation. Will they go ahead and find it somewhere else??? Well these things also happen. But it is not the solution. Human mind is a restless and perturbed thing. We can never satisfy our minds. It always misses these or the other. And the fact is cooling down of our mind is the sole solution to everything. Making peace with ourselves is a hard task to fulfill and the one who is able to do so is the ultimate winner.

If there is failure of meeting with expectations in any kind of relationships there should be discussions. Most of the time problems arise due to lack of transparency of thoughts. Either of the spouses fails to put their problems and have healthy discussions. The restless mind once again brings in all the ego and pride and what not and prevent healthy discussion. In case of marriages some people even said that their lives got monotonous with their spouses and so they look for spice and excitement. Looking for that extra thing outside a relationship is not a solution again because this spice will also get monotonous, then they might keep looking for it all their life and find none as at one point this has to stop. The way out of this is a strange one but effective one. Before anything gets monotonous by itself we should make it monotonous. That is to say make it normal. A normal thing never disturbs the mind. Whenever things are made to appear other than normal excitement arises and expectations are born and ultimately faults are found. I might sound very rude and pointless but it is the fact because we can never live upto the expectations of our minds. Possibly all my life I wouldn’t like to serve my mind and then also tolerate its tantrums (and I’m working on taming my mind…wink! wink!). To an extent its fine to give pleasure to our minds but as goes the saying “Too much of everything is bad”. Now how much is this “Too much” depends solely on individuals.

Being calm is the mantra!

(All the names, except Mrs. Neepa Gogoi Kalita, are changed on request.)

By Arastah Jannat Islam